Happy to be Home

After cheating on my very low calorie diet, I felt amazing!  I decided that I was going to have to give it up and just lose the weight slower.  I have actually had the energy to exercise, and even though I have definitely 'felt the burn' it has felt great.  I have gained back a few lbs, but I am still below what I was when I started the diet, so hopefully it will stay that way. But... if I have done my math correctly, I will have to mow the yard for four hours and run 15 miles today, just to make up for all of the crappy kind of calories that I ate yesterday (in case you couldn't guess, that is NOT going to happen).
Lexi and I left the house at 4:00 a.m. yesterday morning and headed to Tulsa.  A very good friend of mine lost her 16 year old nephew who lived in Tulsa in a car accident, and Lexi and I went to the funeral.  You should read this: http://www.floralhaven.com/obituary/user/show/template?id=44670 
That does not even come close to describing the wonderful young man that I did not know, but heard so many good things about, and who was an inspiration to many.
First of all, I need to mention that I do not believe that I fully function on anything less than eight hours of sleep.  In order to attend the funeral, I had to get my homework done that was due Friday, so I stayed up until about 11:00 Thursday night completing it, then woke up at 3:40.  I had packed water and apples in an attempt to eat healthy, but I screwed that up within five minutes of the house, by getting a cappuccino to wake my lazy butt up.  When we got to Springfield, Lexi was hungry and wanted McDonald's.  I pull up to the drive-through and look at the menu, as silly as it sounds, I feel like I need to choose really fast so that the car behind me doesn't have to wait.  I do not see anything that I think I can eat while driving that looks even remotely healthy, so I go for broke and order my favorite food from McDonald's, a sausage and cheese bagel.  I do not think there is anything on the breakfast menu that is more unhealthy than that.
As we drive through Oklahoma on I-44/Will Rogers Turnpike, we decide that we better have a snack just in case the funeral takes  really long time, so we won't be starving by the time it is over.  Good decision 1 of 2 for the day, we each eat an apple.  We also shared an apple with the man working at the toll booth, after he commented on how good it looked and offered to pay me for one, lol.
My friend had asked me to stay after the funeral and have lunch with them.  We did and it was great food provided by her sister's wonderful church family.  Although I did very good eating small servings, I think I tried a little bit of everything, including cheesecake.  It seems like once I screw-up, the entire day is screwed-up.
On our way home we stopped at the McDonald's that is over I-44 in Vinita, OK(I think), because Lexi had never been there.  Lexi had an ice cream cone and a strawberry-banana smoothie, I ordered unsweetened tea and ate another apple after we got back in the car.

The view out the window.

 We are looking out the window and you can see the reflection of the road and my arm and phone in my sunglasses.

The inside of the elevator was painted bright yellow!

We stopped at my sister's house and ended up going out to eat with her.  We ate Mexican and I really do think that I did much better than I used to.  I only ate a few chips and I stopped eating when I was full (Lexi then finished my food).  We had a wonderful time, the little restaurant had a man singing country music songs and he was very entertaining.  Kimber also chose to entertain everyone by dancing for the majority of the time.  I was exhausted by the time we left, Nixa.  By the time we got to Ava, we had been gone from the house for 17 hours and I really felt the need for just a little more caffeine before the last 30 miles, so I had a Cherry Coke.

Man singing at Mexican restaurant

Instead of being upset with myself for all of the screwing up that I did yesterday (because that never works out good for me), I asked myself what I had learned, and it was a LOT.

• Love your family and friends everyday as if it were the last, you never know when they may not be here anymore.
• It is easier to make bad choices when I am tired.
• Be the type of friend that your friends need you to be, step-up when necessary, and step-back when necessary.
• It is easier to make good choices when I plan ahead (bringing apples and water).
• I may have made some bad choices, but they are a major improvement over my choices just a few months ago.
• Although he has the ability to make me really mad sometimes; I have a really awesome husband!

I am really sore this morning from driving all day yesterday and I am pretty sure some treadmill time will help. I am headed to the basement to work on paying that ransom that the fat girl is demanding in exchange for the skinny girl!  Have a great stormy day, I am going to!

Weekend Weight Gain... Really??

So I get up this morning and weigh, just like every other morning.  If you could imagine the probability, after the weekend, like almost every other weekend; I gained weight.  Jim weighs right after I do and I weigh exactly 2 lbs more than him.  I tried to play it off like the fact that I have gained 2.5 lbs does not bother me because I expected it.  He didn't leave for work for a couple of hours this morning because it was raining.  I spent the entire two hours convincing myself that I was not going to cry, that I just needed to get back at it, and I eat an apple for breakfast.
After he leaves, I cry anyway.  I know that it never does anybody any good to wallow in self pity, but this morning I have no ambition to stop the wallowing.  Then I get myself an ice cream sandwich, might as well eat something good while I sit here and cry.
On Saturday morning, I ate an apple for breakfast then ran/walked 2 miles on the treadmill.  We then went to my sister's house to help her move, but I did very little work.  I ate 2 Taco Bell chicken soft tacos for lunch, drank a Diet 7-up, and then ate 2 pieces of Domino's pepperoni pizza and 1 bread stick for dinner.
On Sunday morning, I ate oatmeal for breakfast, walked 2 miles outside with the girls, ate a ham and turkey sandwich with lettuce and a Laughing Cow cheese wedge instead of mayo, and 1 serving of Ruffles potato chips, then an ice cream sandwich, then a very small taco with sour cream for dinner.  I added all of this into the calorie calculator website www.myfitnesspal.com and it says that on Saturday I was under my calories by 78, under my carbs by 53, over my fat by 13, over my sodium by 51.  On Sunday it says: I was over my calories by 14, under my carbs by 50, over my fat by 19, and under my sodium by 735.  The recommended numbers that it uses, is what I should be doing if I want to lose weight.
I realize that what I ate is definitely not appropriate if you are trying to lose weight, but really?  This is how bad I have to eat for two days, to have to spend the entire next week getting rid of it?  I also realize that by my age, I should accept the fact that life is not fair, but it's not!
It is very frustrating to work and work trying to lose weight, then be able to screw it up so quickly.  Results like this make me want to give up and just live with being fat, it seems like it was so much less disappointing.  I know that I am not the only person that ever does this, or feels this way, and I would love to hear what others do to get out of a funk.

The "F" Word

Yep, I said it! The "F" word is most definitely one of the dirtiest words ever!!  No, not that "F" word, the word failure.
Why didn't I start that new lifestyle change today?
Why didn't I try that new workout video today?
Why didn't I write down my goals today?
Why haven't I set goals for myself at all?
The answer to all of the questions is fear.  Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have a fear of failure.  If we set goals, then we are suddenly going to be held accountable to ourself, and possibly others.  That is a very scary concept, because we don't want to fail.
I think one of the most important factors in whether or not you will succeed is your definition of failure.  I made the decision that I was going to quit smoking, so I posted it on facebook.  I sure did not want to have to admit to everyone on facebook that I had failed!  Two days into being a non-smoker, I had a really bad day; I bought a pack of cigarettes, smoked two cigarettes then poured water over the rest of the pack and threw them in the trash.  I was thinking that if they were wet, I would not dig them out of the trash.  It would have been really easy at that point to continue smoking, what did I have to lose, I had already failed.  This is the point where your definition of failing is important.  My goal was to go from smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, to being a non-smoker.  So I had to make the decision that by smoking those two cigarettes, I had not failed, I had simply hit a bump in the road of success.  I was only going to be a failure if I allowed myself to give up on my goal, which I didn't.  I am not trying to make this sound like it is easy, it isn't.  I have to give a lot of credit to my support system.  Hearing the words, 'You can do this' and 'I am so proud of you' made a huge difference for me.  You guys know who you are, and I love and appreciate you more than you know.
The same concepts apply to losing weight or exercising.  Just because you give in and binge on something you know isn't healthy, you are not a failure unless you choose to be.  Just because you have skipped a couple of days of exercising, you are not a failure unless you choose to be.  Sometimes the bumps in the road will be so small that you can easily step over them, but sometimes they will be so difficult to get over that you may have to crawl.  Just remember that crawling is better than stopping.
We didn't go to the circus yesterday because apparently I forgot how to read and the circus is next weekend.  Had a wonderful time at the ballgame last night.  My girls made some super cute cheerleaders.  We have had a lot of fun having Kimber here and I think she has had fun too.  I am now going to crawl my lazy butt to the basement and put in some treadmill time.